COACH: Alright team, this week, we are playing the Chiefs . . .
PLAYER: So, you’re trying to tell us that we just need to give up.
COACH: Um, no. I’m just trying to start a conversation about what to expect as we head into this weekend. So, anyway, their quarterback is obviously Patrick Mahomes and he’s a very talented . . .
PLAYER: So, you’re trying to say that we don’t have a quarterback?!
COACH: I, uh, don’t believe I said that. All I’m saying is that we all need to be aware that there are certain strengths to their team that need to be considered. I know that we are the Houston Texans and we have a terrible record but . . .
PLAYER: We have a terrible record because no one ever thought about letting us win.
COACH: Let you win?
PLAYER: Man, we’ve had eight games and not one time did the other team offer to let us win.
COACH: I mean, that’s not really how it works . . .
PLAYER: The Ravens beat them. I don’t see why we don’t get to beat them.
COACH: Well, I would point out that the Ravens have a different set of players than we do and may have different strengths . . .
PLAYER: So you are saying that we have no chance.
COACH: I don’t think that at any point I have said that we have no chance. I’m just saying that when you are facing a team, whether they are good or bad, you have to prepare and be ready for what may happen . . .
PLAYER: You are NOT working for us.
COACH: How am I not working for you? All I’ve done is tell you who we are facing!
PLAYER: Fine. Go ahead.
COACH: Okay. Thank you. So, as I was saying, they have a very talented quarterback in Patrick Mahomes and he has two excellent targets in Travis Kelce and Tyreek Hill. We’re going to be running a lot more Dime formations on . . .
PLAYER: You sound like you are working for the Chiefs.
COACH: I’m trying to talk to you about our defense! How is that working for the Chiefs?!
PLAYER: What is it, Coach? Are you a Chief or are you a Texan?
COACH: I’m a Texan! Why is this even a question?
PLAYER: Did you ask the Chiefs about letting us win?
COACH: They aren’t going to let us win.
PLAYER: Did you ask them?
COACH: I’ve been a coach for 22 years and never once has the other team just agreed to let us win.
PLAYER: How many times did you ask?
COACH: Um, well, I’ve never asked.
PLAYER: Exactly. You aren’t even trying to work for us.
COACH: I’m trying to work with you right now! We need to talk about how to meet the challenge of facing off against the Chiefs. The first thing we need to do is decide . . .
PLAYER: I’m getting a free world coach.
COACH: What does that even mean?
PLAYER: My friend plays for the Titans. They beat the Chiefs and people said they were going to lose.
COACH: That’s a great point, and I think that we can do the same! We just need to . . .
PLAYER: Get the Titans coach?
COACH: Well, no, I was going to say rise to the occasions like the Titans did. We can do this if you will just hear me out and we make a plan.
PLAYER: Okay. What’s your plan?
COACH: Thank you. So, as I was saying Mahomes is really dangerous when he connects with Hill and . . .
PLAYER: SEE WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT?!?!?! I’m calling Jerry Jones.
COACH: Jerry Jones? The Cowboys owner? What does he have to do with this?
PLAYER: We aren’t going to play for you against the Chiefs.
COACH: Well, our game date is set for Sunday, so you are going to have to.
COACH: Then we will forfeit.
PLAYER: No we won’t.
COACH: Then we’re playing!
COACH: We have to do one or the other.
PLAYER: Nope. I’m calling Jerry Jones.
COACH: Jerry Jones is not going to help you. He has nothing to do with either us or the Chiefs.
PLAYER: We’ll see.