Moving on from a divorce can be extremely difficult. So much of the divorce process involves you becoming comfortable enough to face the end of a relationship and all of the consequences that come with the end of that relationship. Certainly, this isn’t a mere breakup. This is the end of a marital relationship that has proven to be the bedrock of your life for better or worse, over a significant period. As a result, you may be experiencing some degree of hesitancy about living your life to the fullest after your divorce has come to a close.
There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. Generally speaking, when your instincts are telling you to slow down and consider the consequences of your actions then you will be wise to heed those warning signs. If your instincts are telling you to proceed with caution before walking across a busy St and to ignore those instincts may lead to an injury. The same can be said regarding your instincts after a divorce. If your instincts are telling you to be cautious after divorce then I think you should listen to your instincts.
However, by listening to your instincts I do not mean that it is necessary for your best interest to completely hunkered down after a divorce and not reenter society as an individual. Unfortunately, I have come into contact with many people who have made their divorce the defining event of their lives. That’s not to say that the time. After a divorce should not be marked by reflection and serious consideration of a lead to your divorce. That does not mean you should remain forever in this state of mind.
I think that moving on from a divorce is an extremely personal decision that needs to take into consideration your specific circumstances and those of your family. For example, I could never sit here and type A blog about when you need to be comfortable with moving on in any sense of the word from a divorce. Rather, it is important for you to consider your current stage of life and to decide about when it is appropriate for you to leave one period of your life behind and move on to the next. Only you can answer that question as to when you are ready. What that means is that you need to be willing and able to engage in some self-reflection and give yourself an honest assessment of where you are from a mental, emotional, and financial state of being.
When it comes to dating and even finding love after divorce you may be telling yourself that you are asking too much, too soon to think about these subjects after your divorce has come to a close. After all: not only has the divorce likely left a mark on you from an emotional and relational standpoint but it is likely also left a mark on your confidence. There may be a little negative voice inside of you asking if you couldn’t make a marriage work what would lead you to believe that you could make another marriage work?
Your role in a divorce has just as much to do like the role of your former spouse. I don’t believe any single divorce case is completely 1 sided to the point where only one spouse brings about the divorce. That may mean that you and your spouse share responsibility for divorce right down the middle or that one of you is the Maine fat driving force behind getting the divorce. However, no matter what role you played in getting the divorce there is always an opportunity for you to better yourself and those around you by performing an honest self-assessment
How much time will you need to recover from the divorce?
One of the dangers that I see some people get into after a divorce is that they feel so ready to move past the divorce that they attempt to do so before they are ready period, for example, you may be so emotionally ready to not have to think about the divorce any longer that you enter into relationships after your divorce that you are not ready for the period, for example, you may realize that you have a problem with being independent or not being in relationships. As a result, you may come to realize that you are prone to entering into relationships out of a fear of being an alone period
While this may be an understandable concern of yours immediately after divorce the reality of the situation is that what is best for you may not be what makes you feel the best at this moment. Rather, you may need to examine your life and the decisions that put you in the position that you are in right now period even if the divorce was brought about by forces beyond your control there are still lessons that you can learn from the divorce and apply to your life as you attempt to enter the world of relationships once again. one of those helpful lessons likely has to do with determining when you can make decisions about dating that are based on what is best for you and not based on your emotions coming out of a divorce.
nobody knows in advance how much time they will need to recover from divorce to enter into relationships responsibly period the answer to that question can only be ascertained by being reflective with yourself and with your situation after divorce comes to an end. There is nothing wrong with taking some time and positioning yourself to learn as much as you can about how you reacted to your case and the emotional upheaval that went with it. This doesn’t mean that you have to take a permanent break from dating or from relationships but it does mean that you may be in a better spot to make decisions a few weeks or months after divorce rather than immediately.
One of the most effective ways that I have found that people can determine where they are from a mental standpoint after a divorce is not necessary to do a whole lot of searching inward. Rather, I find that if people have a support circle around themselves they can better find whether or not they are doing as well or as poorly as we think that they are from a mental standpoint. Having a support system in place means that you can credibly rely upon the perspective of others in determining your state fine after a divorce.
It can be extremely difficult to make assessments like this on your own from an unbiased perspective. For example, I have worked with many people who thought that they were doing much better than they are after a divorce. Sometimes we can have blind spots to our situations for several reasons. It could be that you even put up blinders to certain situations from an emotional perspective if doing so can prevent you from feeling some sort of pain or regret after a divorce is over with.
Rather, other people are oftentimes better position to tell you how you are doing from a mental health perspective than you might be. These people can be more objective about your situation than you may be. The reason for this is that because the other person is not you, they can provide honest in clear opinions on matters that you may not be able to do so so soon after your divorce. Many times we shelter ourselves from reality to give ourselves a break or two after an emotionally draining experience like a divorce.
On the other hand, if you do not have its support system waiting in the wings after a divorce now would be a great time to be able to develop one. Admittedly, this can be difficult if you have some confidence issues or even trust issues after a divorce. However, I think that if you can set aside these feelings after a divorce then you can begin to build a life for yourself that is more stable in terms of meaningful relationships. While the relationship that you may want is romantic, it may be that you need to first identify how to build non-romantic relationships first.
The importance of platonic relationships
Your initial thought after a divorce may be to re-engage in a romantic relationship as quickly as possible. There are obvious benefits to being in a romantic relationship but you may be overlooking the importance of non-romantic or platonic relationships. These are the sort of relationships that will play a more constant role in your life. Romantic relationships are the ones that come to mind more readily when considering how we interact with other people. However, platonic relationships are more likely to last as consistent reminders of who we are what we value.
That is a very good place for us to begin discussing plutonic, non-romantic relationships. Namely, these relationships can help us to better understand who we are and what we place value on. The divorce may have caused you to lose track of who you are momentarily and that you have had to focus a great deal of your time and attention on your case and beginning the case on the right foot. Many times the pace of a case can cause a person to forget what makes him or her unique and valuable as a human being.
As a result, your self-worth and self-image may take a significant blow as a result of the divorce. Given the likelihood of these type of events you may need a refresher about who you are as a person and what you can accomplish in terms of your ability to engage in post-divorce life period since our relationships are the bedrock to having a post-divorce life, it would stand to reason that being able to build on pre-existing relationships and create additional relationships after we have completed a divorce is extremely important. For you to do that, however, You need to be willing to make yourself somewhat vulnerable.
It is in this vulnerable state that I think you may have some degree of an issue with getting into a romantic relationship. While romantic relationships can be great places for you to learn more about yourself and who you are the double whammy of vulnerability and lack of confidence that you may be experiencing after a divorce can make romantic relationships and dating a difficult place for you to re-enter life as a single person after your divorce.
I think that starting slowly when it comes to engaging in your relationships is a good place for you to be. For instance, it is in these relationships that you can start to gain a rhythm with how you interact with others in a social setting. Think of it like how many of us found ourselves in a post-lockdown world in late 2020 and early 2021 due to the coronavirus pandemic. Most of us engaged with others on a social level much less frequently in 2020 than we had in just about any other period. As such, it may have been difficult for us to reacclimate to society on a social level. Taking baby steps into socializing may work better for many of us than jumping into the deep end of the dating pool.
With that said, however, you can begin dating after a divorce if that is what you think is best for you. Does that mean that dating will mean the same things to you that it did before your marriage? Probably not. Does that mean that you can learn some things about yourself that can be valuable as you begin to re-engage relationally after a divorce? Absolutely.
What will dating look like after a divorce?
There is no telling exactly how your dating life will shape up after a divorce. I don’t know you at all and therefore have no idea about your specific circumstances and ability to start and maintain meaningful relationships. What I can say is that you need to be able to take on challenges readily when it comes to dating after a divorce. You may find, for example, that different people have preconceived notions about what it means to get a divorce and begin dating. You may find that other potential partners have views on your profile as a dating prospect if you are a parent.
Give yourself some room to grow as a person after your divorce. Do not expect that you are going to be able to glide into dating without any turbulence after you have gone through a divorce. While you may come face to face with emotions that you did not anticipate. While you may consider the time away from the dating world as time wasted, that couldn’t be further from the truth. You can use this time to better yourself in a variety of ways such that the next time you enter into a serious relationship you may be able to avoid the problems that lead to a divorce.
For instance, I recommend Beginning to monitor your finances closely after your divorce and develop a budget. This advice will not only benefit you from a financial standpoint but can also benefit you from a relational and emotional standpoint. A lot of people believe that a budget is constricted and forces them to save money or not spend money where the other eyes might. However, I have a different perspective when it comes to budgeting. For starters, I believe that being on a budget allows you to spend money more freely rather than less.
How can this be? I thought the whole purpose of being on a budget was to force yourself to spend less money. However, being on a budget can also help you to understand where you are spending money and in what areas. It could be that you may need to do a major reassessment of your financial habits in a budget is a good place to start. Once you do so you will be able to spend money with more confidence and with less guilt in the areas where you need or want to.
Like anything that we have discussed today, budgeting takes time to master. You will not be a person who can budget without error consistently until you attempt multiple budgets. With that said, why not jump into the budgeting field first immediately after your divorce? This will allow you to not waste any time in learning how to budget and can help you more gracefully jump into your post-divorce life in many areas.
Questions about the material contained in today’s blog post? Contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan
If you have any questions about the material contained in today’s blog post please do not hesitate to contact the Law Office of Bryan Fagan. Our licensed family law attorneys offer free of charge consultations six days a week in person, over the phone, and via video. These consultations are a great way for you to learn more about the world of Texas family law as well as about how your family circumstances may be impacted by the filing of a divorce or child custody case.